loss

Two days after my last post, my father passed away.  It was not unexpected and yet still a bit of a surprise.  Hope for a bit more time still lingered until the end.  He slipped away slowly and what I thought was a peaceful state.  He went to the hospital on the evening of October 20, 2011.  He passed at 4:30pm October 21, 2011.  His kidneys had failed.  He was in a physical and mental state of mind to decide not to take actions what would've prolonged his life by possible days but would've left him hooked up to equipment he did not want.  He never liked to be tied down physically - freedom of movement was most important to him. 

So many people have graciously asked how we are doing and what we'll do now.  We being my mother and I.  I tell people that we'll go back to the lifestyle we had when he was on the road as a truck driver for most of my life.  We lived one lifestyle while he was on the road and another when he came home on weekends or maybe twice a month sometimes.  We watched what we wanted on television, we went to eat at restaurants he didn't like, we will go shopping for hours and cleaned the house more thoroughly.  The major difference this time is that dad's not going to call home every night nor is he going to come home and take over the remote and demand this, this and this.

My brother and his family are feeling dad's loss in their own way.  What I noticed immediately was my sister-in-law and my brother standing at my dad's chair at the dining room table, where he was always found, and they were reflective and tearing up. 

Dad was one of kind.  While my brother and I have his DNA and various other traits that can't be denied, there was only one dad.  I won't miss the cigarette smoke and the smoker's hacking that goes with it.  I'll miss the big kid inside we all recognized. 

We didn't have the ideal parent in dad.  I used to say mom had three kids including him.  Sometimes I felt more mature than he was.  He had a hard life, some of that self-inflicted.   What we got was a man who had known a lot of pain and hopefully, through us, a lot of love.  My experiences with dad growing up definitely prepared me for a challenging life and helped make me a better person. 

What I've learned from both of my parents is to keep moving forward.  Life does go on and you might as well go with it.  So while I cry at times and don't expect that to stop for awhile, it all comes from love.  Loss should be given it's due but it I won't let it slow me down.  Dad didn't want people to cry over him, literally, at a funeral service, and he didn't want tears as he lay in the hospital bed dying.  His last words were of love and that's all I could have asked for.